I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
