you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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