when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
