I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
