You can't motorboat a personality
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
even my farts smell like vagina
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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