to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
