I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
