Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
