Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I could make wine with my vomit
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
