i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
