You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
