hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
