i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
