i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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