His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have peed in a lot of sinks
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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