Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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