I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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