I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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