Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
