I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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