I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize