It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
