are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
