Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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