a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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