Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
