after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
