Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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