He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
