I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
