We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize