I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
