I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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