I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
