i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
