hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
