Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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