I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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