Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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