The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
