I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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