Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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