Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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