So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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