how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
