I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
