"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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