your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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