You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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