I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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