I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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