he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
