let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
