There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
