Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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