Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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