Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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