Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
