Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
