I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
