im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize