Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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