what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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