I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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