Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize