just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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