Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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